Sigh. I’ve had this post sort of percolating in my head for a long time. Like since before I had a blog. But also, I hate getting into it. So in general, I avoid the drama. But then something bizarre happened. While my husband and I were celebrating the anniversary of our marriage, the Supreme Court decided to redefine the word. And then my facebook feed blew up with pretty colors and not-so-pretty words. The response from my Christian friends has been mixed. Some use the rainbow filter. Some warn of doomsday. Some walk the middle, with a “love, despite disagreement” kind of attitude. Do I have an opinion here? You betcha. Do you care? Probably not. I mean, really. At this point, it’s been talked to death (and it’s only been a few days!) and you kind of scroll through, filtering folks into “like me” and “not like me” boxes in your head, because it is really not worth the energy of processing everyone’s opinion on the matter.
I figure the only people that I’m actively leading on this point are my children, two of whom currently believe marriage is not a gender-based thing as long as the prospective spouses are either a.) stuffed animals or b.) relatives. (So I clearly have work to do here.)
So this whole thing… Where do we stand? What do we do? I kind of hate to add to the noise… but I’m going to anyway, because I haven’t seen much attention to this obvious point: maybe we spend some more energy on the things we can actually change.
So while a huge portion of the internet and the country is flipping the heck out over the implications of this, I want to ask those who love Jesus and are married…
How’s your marriage doing?
See, here’s the thing.
Marriage was designed by God to show the image of Christ and his Church to a world that doesn’t know him. And we, God’s people who live in the US, have been doing a generally terrible job of it. I know the divorce statistics are really not as grim as the 50% number we’ve heard tossed around for a couple decades, but it’s still not great, plus some of the decline is because people have lost faith in the institution as a whole and are opting out, choosing cohabitation instead. And even within marriages that last, how are we doing? There’s so much energy this week (and in general) being spent freaking out about the federal government’s definition of the word, but how much energy are we putting into the thing we can actually change? I don’t know about you, but my ability to change anything on a national level is very, very small. I have a vote, which I happily exercise (despite the hassle of all the preschoolers in a voting booth.) But seriously? That’s not much. But you know what I can do? I can pour a lot of energy into obeying God in my own marriage. In doing that, I can encourage couples around me and show others the picture God had in mind, however imperfectly we do it. Will my marriage change the course of the nation? Nope. But can you imagine what would happen if followers of Jesus everywhere started obeying him in their marriages? That would have some effect. People would notice. The beautiful picture God created to show Himself to the world would be so much clearer.
- Do you love your spouse?
- Do you respect your spouse?
- What about porn? Is that playing any part in the denigration of your part of this marriage picture? (This isn’t just about images… Romance novels? 50 Shades?)
- How do you talk to the person you married?
- How do you talk about the person you married?
- Demanding sex?
- Withholding it?
- Using it as a weapon or a reward?
- Do you keep score of wrongs? Of favors?
I could go on, but you get the point. I’m not saying ours is perfect or that yours has to be in order to have or state an opinion on the Supreme Court’s decision. And I’m not against political activism or spreading awareness, per se. (I’ve gotta be honest- it’s really, really not my thing. But if it’s yours, I have no problems.) But can we please use this national facebook fight discussion about the meaning of marriage as a reminder to spend at least as much effort working on the one at home as we do talking and worrying about who else does or doesn’t or may eventually have the legal right to get married? Because all of it is messing up the picture.
We’re all just spray painting on the Mona Lisa while whining about the mustache that somebody else sharpied on her. Yeah, the sharpie mustache is a problem. I get it. But can we please stop vandalizing the thing ourselves? Maybe spend some energy restoring it where we can? That’d be great, thanks.
So how about you? What can you do this week to invest in your relationship? Speak kindly? Give the benefit of the doubt? Serve? Love? Read a marriage book? Get off facebook for a few minutes? Speak positively about your spouse to a friend? Write a love note? Let’s each make a difference.