(My sweet friend got me these little sleepers the week I tested positive with this baby. I’ve had them hanging where I can see them from my bed ever since, as a reminder that this is real.)

Here’s what I expect based on all the other kids:

  • Our chances of finding out gender are POOR. Both girls evaded on the first try at 20 weeks. (We got second chances and figured it out eventually both times.)
  • If we do find out whether we’re having a boy or a girl, I’ll spend much of the rest of the day mourning the baby that isn’t. One of those sweet sleepers will not be worn, likely ever by any baby of mine. (Is this normal? I have no idea. But so far, it’s happened every time and I’ll be darned if it’s going to surprise me again. I’ll just plan for it… it’ll pass.)
  • I’ll go in with an uncomfortably full bladder (like they ask me to) and the tech will immediately send me to the bathroom. I have no idea why reception always wants me to have a full bladder and the tech never does (a full bladder makes sense earlier, of course), but it’s happened every time.

Here’s what I’m expecting because this is the most neurotic pregnancy ever:

  • An anterior placenta. I haven’t felt this baby hardly at all, and I’m pretty sure (and the midwives agree) that it’s due to where my placenta is. Perfect, right? When I’m convinced like 80% of the time that baby is NOT okay, that’s definitely the pregnancy where I should have the hardest time feeling the reassuring squiggles, yes? Sigh.
  • A dead, dying, or severely disabled baby. There. I said it. I have a few friends that have gotten really bad news at this ultrasound and I’m just sure I’ll join them tomorrow. I’m really good at math. I understand that statistics are on my side. But it’s hard to math away the paranoia.

 

I’ve been struggling a lot this week (and by “week” I mean “pregnancy”) with the verses that command people not to fear. I’ve not been terribly successful (ever) feeling differently because I think I should. I see why “FEAR NOT!” worked well when God sent an angel or preincarnate Christ to someone… They were scary, but the assurance that no harm was coming goes a long way toward assuaging fear.

That doesn’t seem to translate very well this week.

So I’m looking (after some discussion with my husband) at some of the teaching passages in the New Testament that deal with fear and anxiety.

Philippians 4:6- Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Okay, so pray, ask, give thanks. Check.

Then there’s Matthew 6:27 that reminds me that worrying doesn’t gain anything.

True enough.


 

Now I’m working on choosing trust. While I’ve never had any luck thinking myself into a different emotion, I have at least a little success with acting my way into a different feeling.

When the worry creeps up and attacks (like my stinky baby brother would love to do), I at least have my to-do list. (I’m good at those!)

  • pray
  • ask
  • give thanks
  • remember the worry is helping nothing

We’ll see how it goes. If you have any thoughts or guesses on gender, I’d love to hear them! (In addition to changing emotions by changing actions, I can absorb the excitement of other people, so feel free to share some.) Navy stripes with monkey or lavender dots with polar bear? Or yet another stubborn modest baby?


(And here’s the post from the after the ultrasound!)

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Published by robininalaska

Robin Chapman is a clumsy Jesus follower, imperfect wife and mom, normalizer of failure, and writer who captures both the gritty experience of motherhood and the grace of God as it carries her despite her (many) imperfections. Her writing is laced with humor and vulnerability, sure to make you laugh and breathe a sigh of relief, knowing you are not alone. As an editor and writer for KindredMom.com, she is a cheerleader for moms in the trenches. She educates her four children at home in Alaska, where she lives with her ridiculously good looking husband, Andrew.

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