This week busted me open.

Wide open.

On one day, there was rage over injustice in one tragedy and celebration over a major victory, and then there was a loss. Oh, the loss.

I lost a sweet nephew before he was due to arrive (but not by much) and I have no words about that just now, only all the feelings. And it’s not even primarily my tragedy, so I’m aware my feelings, whatever their volume, are just a reflection of the feelings of his parents and sisters, not equal to them.

(Please pray for my people as the Lord brings them to mind.) 

Saturday, my kind and wise husband talked me into going for a family walk. And bringing my camera.

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You guys, that was what I needed.

Nothing was fixed. I forgot, in the sub-freezing temps, to bring my two-month-old a hat. Eventually, she borrowed her sister’s. I realized my 1-year-old doesn’t have a proper coat. In Alaska. No proper coat. Must fix that ASAP. He has a vest and a very cute hat. The girls wore ridiculous dresses for wandering, and we didn’t bring them gloves. Katherine threw her daddy’s gloves carelessly over the side of a bridge, just because she was done with them. (Because Katherine.) At the end, an unnamed daughter dropped my camera and busted the lens. (My husband took it apart and fixed it today with his Leatherman. Because of course he did.)

But going out in creation with an eye toward finding lovely things to capture? That was good for this heart.

I needed to remember in practical ways (not just theoretical ones) that God is big. He made all the beautiful things. He’s still in control, whatever is swirling around me. It doesn’t heal the intense grief, but reminds me, in a visceral way, just how good our God is. The God who makes a world where there are swirls and bubbles in ice in a pond is certainly capable of holding the people I love who are hurting right now.

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I have a friend who’s on Instagram all the time sharing beauty and talking about how good it is for us to find it (even more healing to look for it)… She’s onto something.

Beauty.
Gratitude.
Worship.

Jesus.

That’s what’s getting me through this week.


This post is part of the write31days challenge… I’m trying to post every day in October. The rest of the posts can be found here.

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Published by robininalaska

Robin Chapman is a clumsy Jesus follower, imperfect wife and mom, normalizer of failure, and writer who captures both the gritty experience of motherhood and the grace of God as it carries her despite her (many) imperfections. Her writing is laced with humor and vulnerability, sure to make you laugh and breathe a sigh of relief, knowing you are not alone. As an editor and writer for KindredMom.com, she is a cheerleader for moms in the trenches. She educates her four children at home in Alaska, where she lives with her ridiculously good looking husband, Andrew.

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